[TMI] Depression

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago (on the 14th) and then never did anything with it. I probably thought noone wanted to hear what I had to say so I just saved it and ignored it. But I've decided to publish it anyway. If you're not interested you can just not read it.

I'm just thinking out loud here because I feel the need to communicate and I'm not fond of communicating with people in my own life. How depressing is that? This isn't a Serious Blog Post (tm) but a Me and My Messed Up Head Post.



Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed. I get paranoid that, all those years ago when I had The Year That Wasn't (when I slept all days most days, didn't go out very often and only then to 4 places that I had deemed safe and only by routes that I had deemed ok, didn't really want to see anyone, etc) and my GP offered me anti-depressants that I should have said yes. But I said no. Because I thought that they just masked symptoms and because the few friends I had who had been on them spent large portions of their time talking about how they really wanted back on them, and that sounded unhealthy to me. Also, I was an idiot back then. I'm trying to not be an idiot so much nowadays.

I've been researching for a new thing I wanted to do both for this blog and also because I just plain wanna know. I wanna know what services are available for people/women in Scotland to help them when they are in crappy situations and want out of them. I intend on making list posts here so that I always have the information at hand and also because I have in the past been in a situation where I or a friend could have used help and I want to know what to do in that situation should it happen again. Look at me, conscientious community member.

During my wanderings round charities and help-sites I found the Depression Alliance which, so the website tells me, is "the leading UK charity for people with depression". Being me and me being a person who constantly does all those stupid online tests about depression and neurosis and so forth I couldn't help but click and have a look. There's a section on "What is Depression" and in it comes this:

Here is a list of the most common symptoms of depression. As a general rule, if you have experienced four or more of these symptoms, for most of the day nearly every day, for over two weeks, then you should seek help.

* Tiredness and loss of energy
* Persistent sadness
* Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
* Difficulty concentrating
* Not being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interesting
* Undue feelings of guilt or worthlessness
* Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
* Sleeping problems - difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usual
* Avoiding other people, sometimes even your close friends
* Finding it hard to function at work/college/school
* Loss of appetite
* Loss of sex drive and/ or sexual problems
* Physical aches and pains
* Thinking about suicide and death
* Self-harm

I have had all of those symptoms. I have had all but the last two for the last few weeks acutely. I'm getting no work done, when I try I feel overwhelmed and hopeless even though I know intellectually I can do it, I just don't quite feel up to the task. Sleep is a source of endless misery for me and for the last few weeks I've been sleeping as much because I didn't want to see anyone as because I was just tired. I always ache, sometimes more than others, I've this persistent headache at the moment that just doesn't want to go away, but I always put that down to just being fat. The third one "Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem" seems inaccurate because I don't remember ever having either.

Actually the self esteem thing has been coming up alot of late. I was at a training session yesterday about presentation skills and part of my feedback indicated that I needed to stop being so self-deprecating and uncertain- even if I'm just pretending.

This is where the entry ended. Clearly I must have wandered away. I remember writing the entry and I was feeling particularly crappy that day (BTW, I have to say I think the Depression Alliance Scotland's Look Ok... Feel Crap? campaign has an awesome title). I was crying at nothing and I wanted to go to bed but didn't see the point since I wouldn't sleep anyway and... it was bad so I'm not surprised that the entry wasn't finished or posted. I'm actually quite surprised how well it reads.

Anyway, to finish the post:

My supervisor has banned me from being self deprecating (she's already banned the phrase "if that makes sense"). My ex-support worker (the provision ended) suggested self-esteem and confidence building courses. Even my mother gets annoyed at me for the constant put downs (of myself).

Which is really beside the point, the point being that I wonder if I am depressed. I wonder if I should be medicated, even though my track record with remembering to take my meds is irritatingly low and my trust of meds is lower still. I am starting CBT next week, and when I told the woman I was cynical about the whole thing she asked if that was me or if that was the trauma talking- the trauma being Asshole- and we realised, or I realised, that I really have no memory of who I was or how I was or of there being a pre-Asshole time. Asshole occurred too early in my development and I don't know if there is anything about me that isn't tainted by him, including whether or not I am depressed because, truth be told, I've been having episodes like this month (I've largely not gone out, not interacted with anyone, not done anything this month- I'm starting to get out of it this week but I'm still a bit... prone to feeling like crying over nothing) for as long as I can remember. So perhaps, if these episodes are evidence of depression, or are depression, I've actually been depressed for as long as I can remember too.

Lots of perhaps and maybes and I don't knows in there. I'm going to try this CBT stuff and if it works great, and if it doesn't then we'll try something else. I'm sick of feeling this crap allmost of the time. Click Here to Read More..

The Asshole and The Repercussions.

When I was 12 I had a boyfriend who was 4 years older than me. When I was 12 said boyfriend decided he wanted to have sex and me, being young and curious and having not a fucking clue what that really involved (largely emotionally although I knew the theory but wasn't ready for the reality), agreed, only to try and pull back consent when it was dark and he was looming over me and I felt trapped and scared. Only for him to try anyway, holding me down, until I got too loud (what with the crying and yelling) and he got scared that someone would come in. It took me about ten years to be able to call this attempted rape (I took back consent and he didn't stop).

Over the next wee while he worked on me. I don't remember the details anymore. But I know that I ended up feeling like I was being a bad girlfriend, a bad girl, a cock tease, that he would go away and everyone would know I was frigid and weird and... you get the idea, so I gave in. It's taken me 16 years, and a support worker, to get close to accepting that this was child abuse. 12yos are too young to make those decisions.

I was with him for 4 years, we had sex though out, and to me it was a chore, occasionally fun but usually boring and occasionally traumatic. It was something I had to do it because I was his girlfriend and it was my job. I also thought (sometimes think) that I was WrongDirtyBad and I was going to Hell for sinning. Jesus and his Dad were big figures in my head when I was a teen, probably because I still sort of believed in them. I'm over that religious stuff now (but I still worry that I'm wrong and that I'm going to hell for having sex so young even though, intellectually, I think all of that stuff is guff). I also think that God sounds like a complete arsehole and I don't want to believe in a misogynist who is pro-genocide.

My mother found out within a week. She gave me a talk about using protection but told me she wouldn't stop it. It was my decision. I was, sometimes am, really angry at her for this. My father still reckons he knows nothing. I have told him many times and he claims obliviousness everytime. I don't buy that he was oblivious- my 6-10 year old brother knew (he walked in on us), my 9-13yo sister knew (because she felt it meant she needed to lose hers early to keep up). I didn't mean to screw up my sister. I'm really sorry if I did because I love her and I want her healthy and secure and whole. I'm not sure how to classify this aspect of the whole affair- my support worked seems to think Mum and Dad were complicit in child abuse and therefore being Not Good Parents. Also, possibly, criminal. I don't want to blame my parents however. It makes me feel WrongGuiltyBad.

Also, we never did use protection. The Asshole didn't like it and, even though I kept telling him we needed to use condoms, he just point blank refused and I didn't want to be a bad girl so... it just added to the WrongDirtyBad. It also meant that I spent four years paranoid I was pregnant and too scared to check when I missed periods. This also means that, despite the fact that I am certain I had at least one miscarriage (it felt different, it looked different) I don't have a confirmation of this. Because I never checked I was pregnant. And I never took the strange bloody lump to the doctors to be analysed because I was fourteen and I didn't want to get anyone into to trouble: not me, not Asshole, not my parents. I also didn't want everyone to know- I was already being bullied at school, I was already being violently attacked. Hell, by that point I was already used to fending off stones being thrown at my body and had gone through the fun incident where boys tried to set my hair on fire. Arseholes.

The net result of all this is hard to quantify, to justify. I haven't had sex in years because, when I tried, I always panicked. I always end up remembering that it was dark and he was looming and I was scared. I always ended up feeling like, if I stopped, I would be bad, I would be a tease, that I had a duty (there's that word again, where does this idea of duty come from?) to finish what I had started. BTW, the looming dark panicking thing still happened when I was on top and the lights were on. It's an image that flashed in my head and made me panic. A few times it even happened when I was all on my own. I don't like male body parts, the idea of sperm makes me feel ill and kind of creeped out, and yet I seem to persist on being straight. Because I am straight just like gay people just are gay. It's what you are, end of story. I want to have children, but I don't want to have a man or, even, sex. I kind of like the idea of harvesting eggs and having it all done in a lab with lots of screening for disease and asshattery of the sperm. I feel panicked when men appear to be interested in me. I self sabotage when this happens, I make myself ugly for a few days and I stop going out because, get this, I'm scared. I have a feeling this may also be the reason why I screw up my every healthy eating plan.

I'm afraid all the time. I'm lonely. I don't really want to be around other people. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to assume that anyone wants to be around me because I don't have anything interesting to say. I spend most of my time online where I still don't make any real friends because, well, why would anyone want to be friends with me. I want to get better but I don't know how. My mother says I need to stop thinking so much. My support worker suggests that I just go out and do things and try anyway. Sometimes I just want to wake up and be better, but that's never going to happen.

I have three weeks left of my support worker. I'm a bit worried about that although I'm not convinced that it's done a damn thing other than give me outside confirmation that, yes, The Asshole was bad, and the sex was abuse, and the way he treated me was abusive. I suppose that's something, that confirmation, but still...

It's a process right? And I just need to keep on working on it. Then, one day, I'll be ok. Click Here to Read More..